a television with bulletholes in the wall behind it

FIVE TEENS DEAD: Good Guy With Gun Protects Television Set

CHARLOTTE, NC— Around 2 am this morning, Charlotte resident and gun fanatic Pete Mackal woke up to the sounds of footsteps and giggling coming from his living room. 

“I had to slap myself in the face to make sure this wasn’t just another one of my home invasion fantasies,” Mackal reported, continuing, “once I was sure it was the real thing, I grabbed my gun and I started blasting away.”

Mackal smiles and flips on his TV. “As you can see it’s in perfect condition. It’s damn lucky that a good guy with a gun was around or who knows what tragedy may have befallen this 43 inch HDTV. Not to mention I’d have to spend $400 on a new one and retype all my passwords into Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime et cetera — and all on that annoying on-screen keyboard that takes forever. It would have been a real pain in my ass.”

Funerals for the five teenagers will take place this weekend.