Statue of Christopher Columbus with "SUCKS" written in the sky behind it

REWRITING HISTORY: Liberal School Board Approves Measure To Add “Sucks” After Every Textbook Mention Of Christopher Columbus

CAMBRIDGE, MA— The board presiding over Cambridge public schools has passed a measure to add the word “sucks” after each mention of Christopher Columbus in lower school textbooks.

“I was taught about Columbus growing up but I wasn’t given the full picture,” says Marcy Banks, a 3rd grade teacher who supports the move. She continued, “Now that I’m a teacher, I will make sure children know that Columbus didn’t just sail the ocean blue, he also totally sucked.” 

Critics are panning the move for rewriting history in a way that is not only un-American but also makes textbooks unreadable. For example, in the body of a chapter now titled “Christopher Columbus Sucks The Sailor,” there are 32 mentions of Columbus, none of which use “sucks” in a grammatically correct manner.

In slightly reassuring news, a proposal to add a Hitler mustache and angry eyebrows to images of the Italian explorer was struck down by a single vote.